“I’m the wrongdoer. But I wonder why I’m not asked why I do wrong… Wonder why it’s not questioned what has triggered my emotions & thoughts to do wrong! It’s not even considered that my action could actually be a reaction to something.”
I write the above words from one of my diary entries. These were written more than a year ago; so, I’ve no clue what made me pen them. But, even now, when I’m being objective, I do realize that I tend to feel often that I’m the wrongdoer.
Once in a while, I believe this kind of thought process is justified because it makes you introspect and course correct. But, if I constantly feel I’m the wrongdoer, then I may need to ascertain why… The internet tells me that this constant belief that one has done something wrong is called Guilt Complex!
“Even when I may be hurting inside… I may have a dream shattered! Have a crumbling 🌎. Anguish… Deep anguish! I hurt but I’m the one to apologize. To make amends… To compromise!”
The above words followed in my diary entry. I second – guess myself about everything. Even stupid social media posts. “Should I have written that?” “Should I have commented that?” Ridiculous, isn’t it?
People get away writing ANYTHING on social media & I’m debating THAT?! The number of times I’ve written comments/ messages/ posts and deleted them isn’t funny. Even when my brain has told me I’m right!
I’m glad I’m updating this post today. Yesterday, the below reel popped up on my Instagram search page.
I disagreed with the advice given in the reel. Usually I ignore such things but yesterday, because this blog post was fresh in my mind, I commented on the reel. You can see below how the interaction went.
I’m soo glad I didn’t surrender. Soo glad I didn’t fall into the (self-imposed) trap of “Oh I’m being rude”. I knew I was right. And I stuck to my conviction. I wasn’t the wrongdoer (or wrong-teller in this case)!
Anyway, returning to this blog post, could it be that I’ve set unrealistic high standards for myself? And when I’m unable to meet these high standards, I end up feeling I’m the wrongdoer?? I’m certain such feelings and self-talks affect how I feel about myself!
To let go. To forget & forgive…
I ended my diary entry with the above words. Now those are words I think I CAN live with. I’m not one to brood over things for extended periods of time. Life’s too precious and too short for that, isn’t it?
So I let go. I stop comparing my current state to an ideal state. I forget. A bad memory actually brings more satisfaction. I forgive. I give myself and others the benefit of doubt. “Maybe I’m overanalyzing it.” “Maybe they didn’t mean it this way.”
Is this the ideal way to deal with Guilt Complex? I guess not but isn’t self-awareness the first step towards a solution? Next step – Whenever I spiral down to negative self-talk, I’ll shake myself and rather list down the wrongdoings of the other person, & hurl abuses at them, both in my diary!
😁
