What Not to Say to Anyone Who’s Faced Discrimination

The last weekend I watched Axone on Netflix. As I do with most of the movies I watch, I wrote on social media what my thoughts emerging from the movie were –

“#axonethefilm is a better representation of the #Discrimination faced by northeastern #Indians than #penalty is. The movie touched a chord. I was heartbroken to see the kind of filth north Indians can throw on anybody who is even slightly different from them.

Delhi subjects them to apathy, judgment & perverse fantasies. I loved the diversity shown. & The movie makes me want to try Axone pork. Rohan Joshi’s acting was superb. #LoveWithoutLimits #DiversityandInclusion #kindness”

This blog post is neither about the movie nor about my social media post. It is about what someone responded to my post.

The person began by pointing out that people from the northeast did not face discrimination only from north Indians. They faced bias in the east, south & west of India too. I was surprised at these statements as nowhere in my post had I written that ‘only’ north Indians discriminated. The movie was based in Delhi & anybody who read my post could see that it was written specifically for the scenarios showed in the movie.

The person then went on to point out that discrimination seemed to come naturally to people irrespective of what region they belonged to. I then asserted that having lived in Delhi NCR, I felt Delhi folks, specially, were unkind to people from anywhere else, in general.

At this, the person went on to defend Delhi without even trying to find out why I said what I did. She insisted ‘discrimination is universal’. That ‘people are capable of great cruelty as well as terrible kindness across lines of region, religion or caste’. That she steers ‘clear of pointing fingers at people of a certain region’. That it was unfair ‘to vilify an entire quarter of the country’.

It was then that I realized it would be pointless to continue this conversation. The person was so blinded in her defense of Delhi/ North India that she downplayed whatever bigotry I had gone through. By saying ‘discrimination is universal’, she effectively said, “all lives matter” or “not all men”.

If discrimination is universal, why do we flinch when whites say, ‘all lives matter’ or when men say, ‘not all men’? We balk because we realize that somebody’s trauma is being moderated. That someone’s right to speak out is being restrained.

I have lived majorly in five cities of which four are in north India. But the only place where I have faced discrimination for being a Bihari has been Delhi. I know people who hid their Bihari status when they first migrated to Delhi. Nowhere else have I been bullied because of my native place.

Nowhere else have I been told I do not look/ sound like a Bihari. Sitting right next to me, an ex-colleague scolded his direct report & said, “Bihari hai Kya?” Our stories are perhaps not as horrifying as those faced by our northeast brethren. But ridicule does affect.

Moreover, a Bihari is a north Indian too. Why then would I want to vilify myself? Or my family & friends who are Bihari’s & consequently north Indians? Because it is not about abusing; it is about admitting there is a problem & trying to solve that problem.

Lastly, a few of my closest friends are Delhi natives. Am I accusing them in the same breath? Even they will recognize the point I am trying to make. & they will not say, “not all Delhiites”.

I completely agree that at every place, kindness & cruelty exist side by side. But I would not, for the life of me, ever say something like a ‘oh south Indians are discriminatory too’ to someone who complains about being traumatized in north India.

Let us please read/ see/ hear/ talk more about discrimination. Specially from survivors to understand the right kind of language to be used in such circumstances.

Yes, all lives matter. Yes, discrimination is universal. Yes, not all men. But not for a survivor! We do not get to define how a survivor should process her/ his trauma…