He Left Us Aching

It has been 15 days since Sushant Singh Rajput died & yet, there are moments when my heart refuses to believe he is no more. I see his smiling images on social media & think – “he looks so ‘alive’!”

I am neither an expert on Bollywood nor on mental health. So, I will refrain from commenting on either. But I specialize in my own emotional assessment. In the last two weeks, I have processed my emotions repeatedly, trying to figure out why his death has caused a turmoil within me. Why my heart breaks into pieces every time I see his image or listen to his song or speak/ think about him? I’m someone who has never got affected by a celebrity death. I am indifferent to most of them. The ones whose work I liked, the only reaction I would have would be an ‘oh!’. So why did this seem different? Why did it feel like someone close had expired?

Was it because he was my age?

Was it because he could have easily been my neighbour in Patna?

Was it because he could have easily been the geeky boy-next-door?

Was it because he could have easily been my crush but it being Patna, I could only admire him from afar?

Was it because I, like him, moved from Patna to Delhi?

Was it because both of us were ‘migrant workers’?

Was it because I, like him, gave up the steady part of life to do what I like more?

Was it because he was an achiever?

Was it because I chose his songs, subconsciously, when I had to dance?

Was it because his smile reached his eyes & lit them up with a radiance I have not seen in most people?

Was it because I had recently visited the Daman Fort, a defining scene in his Kai Po Che?

Was it because he came across as one who wears his heart on his sleeve?

Was it because I had seen 54% of his movies, the highest I would have for any actor ever?

Was it because he played one of the cricketers I admire?

Was it because his image flashed in my mind whenever I heard the name ‘Dhoni’?

Was it because a few of his songs have become my favourites over the years?

Was it because I loved his last outing, Chhichhore, from heart & soul?

Was it because he seemed different from the usual Bollywood crowd?

I usually do not call myself a fan. Bollywood does not interest me much. I do not follow any star on social media. I would not even call myself an SSR fan. I found out about his genius, introversion, love for astronomy etc. AFTER he died.

But I liked every movie of his that I saw. Undoubtedly, he was a good actor – the determination of Ishaan, the raw emotion of Sarfraz, the deep thinking of Byomkesh Bakshi, the seriousness of Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the intensity of Lakhna, & the impishness of Anni!

More than that, there was something disarming about his countenance.

He was just a boy who had jazba…

He was just a boy who wanted to take koi chance…

He was just a boy who wanted someone to walk chaar kadam with him…

He was just a boy who looked Bhola…

He was just a boy who asked for more from zindagi…

He was just a Bechara who had his eyes set on the road ahead…

He was a baaghi in the big bad Bollywood world…

He was just flying Hawa mein hoke Malang…

He was just a boy whose tamas has now been taken away by Mahadev…

He is now just a boy who will be found in yaadon Ke purane album…

P. S. A big hug to all who have been affected by his death. Thank you to those who wrote about their emotions which inspired me to write about mine. More thanks to those who reached out to me for a mutual sharing of pain.

I obsessed over all social media tributes to him. I heard his songs on loop. I channelized my energy into baking, cooking, working out & pranayama. But it was only a good cry which finally made me feel light.

And, with this blog post, I hope to achieve my catharsis. My tears may dry up SSR, but I will always miss seeing you on screen.