Where Do I Stand On The Philosophies Enlisted In ‘How To Win Friends & Influence People’ (HTWF&IP)

My second book for 2020 was the timeless bestseller How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Before I read the book, I’d always thought it would be a cliched one. After all, the title itself was so click bait, for the lack of a better word.

However, I was pleasantly surprised when I found practical principles to make one more ‘socially acceptable’. As I went through them, I got reminded of people I knew personally who used these philosophies, though subconsciously.

I was also a trifle anxious if HTWF&IP was contrary to the message in Happiness Unlimited, my first book of 2020. Happiness Unlimited spoke of not letting external factors influence our happiness, while by the title of this book, it seemed it would talk about how we needed to align external factors such that they positively influence our well being.

I was, thus, in for a surprise when I came across the following lines in HTWF&IP –

“Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”

As soon as I read these lines, my dilemma was eased.

I’d been assessing myself mentally on the principles mentioned in HTWF&IP. After completing the book, I thought – why not put it down in my blog? So, here I go.

Part 1 – Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

This is something I’ve been following for the last few years. I’ve adopted the policy – ‘if I can’t do it, I’ve no right to criticize someone who can’. Ditto for complaining. Ever since I ‘found’ gratitude, I find that I complain less.

Now, the only time I find myself criticizing is when I’m deliberately being mean! ;)

Principle 2 – Give honest & sincere appreciation.

I’ve historically been miserly with appreciation but I’m more forthcoming about it now. I’ve walked up to strangers & complimented them for whatever aspect I liked about them. The smiles that brightened their faces cheered me up too.

Principle 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want.

This philosophy is basically WIIFM in action. It may sound manipulative but in professional life, I guess it becomes a necessary evil. I remember, from my past life, we in HR were focusing on D&I but the business teams would accept it only when they saw how it benefited them.

This principle is one of my improvement areas.

Part 2 – Six Ways To Make People Like You

Principle 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.

From the time I’ve taken up blogging seriously, this has become a second nature to me. I like hearing anecdotes & knowing/ observing people as it gives me fodder for my writing. What people usually term as gossip, I call it ‘human interest’.

One day, I hope to be able to use real-life incidents in my book.

Principle 2 – Smile.

A no-brainer for me. When I’m blessed with a million-dollar smile, I can’t be economical with it. Ha! I’m not being boastful. I’ve been complimented on my smile time & again, and I’ve a high degree of self-awareness.

I love smiling; it fills my own self with a gush of warmth.

Principle 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

I believe this may be a challenge for those who meet a lot of people. Given my introversion, I usually meet few people. Thus, this doesn’t pose a problem for me.

However, I’ve been on the other side, i.e., where people have forgotten my name or called me by a wrong name. It’s an awful feeling; it made me feel inconsequential.

Principle 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

I found this to be like Part 2, Principle 1. We can be good listeners only if we’re genuinely interested in other people. I think I’m a good listener. But this comes with a drawback. We’re so busy listening that our own stories remain untold…

Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

This philosophy is in line with Principles 1 & 4 above. I do this a lot more now because the need for me to speak of ‘I, me, myself’ has considerably reduced. Indeed, it gives so much more to know about.

Principle 6 – Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

The world today thrives on shaming. No matter what you do or don’t, you’ll be shamed. I’m ashamed that I’ve been part of the shaming culture earlier. But I’ve consciously tried to change this. I criticize less, I listen more… Such small things make interactions so much more pleasant.

Part 3 – How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

This is easy for me as I’m non confrontational. But I do have a relevant example for it. Before the 2014 elections, I was quite vocal about my political leanings. I was susceptible to picking up arguments on social media.

However, I soon realized that the battle lines were drawn. People had already picked sides. Nothing I said/ wrote would make them change their minds. Now, I find it funny when individuals put up political posts. I feel like telling them, ‘it’s pointless mate’.

I’ll quote what Dale Carnegie says about this –

“And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star.”

The same holds for politics. Also,

“A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.”

Principle 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’

Like I said earlier about shaming, I don’t know why it’s become ‘fashionable’ to say that others are wrong. In a grey world of opinions, who am I to judge who’s right or wrong? I’ve been on the receiving end of this; I know how demeaning it is.

Principle 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

I wrote about this in my previous blog post. If I couldn’t deliver a task at work, I blamed the business/ other HR team. When I was heartbroken, I spent years being angry with the person I thought was responsible.

The moment I started accepting my mistakes at work, my bosses became supportive. From the time I accepted that, maybe, it wasn’t the other person, but my response to the person’s actions that were making me poignant, I forgave.

Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way.

When an employee was annoyed with HR, I couldn’t win her/ him with logic. I realized that s/ he couldn’t be driven to agree with me. But, if I was friendly, I could at least lead the employee into a courteous conversation.

For all my bashfulness, I believe I come across as friendly.

Principle 5 – Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.

Mr. Carnegie has summarized this philosophy with a simple Chinese proverb – ‘He who treads softly goes far.’ It’s easy to see differences, difficult to see similarities. It’s a lesson I’ve learnt only over the last few months.

Now, even with people that I felt I differed a lot from, I’ve managed to find similar attributes. It’s made conversations & my mood pleasant.

Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

I think the late Mr. Carnegie began repeating himself after a point. I felt this was akin to Part 2, Principle 4. However, in the book, he writes this chapter in terms of customer complaints.

In my past life, I did find the best way to resolve an issue was to first let the complainant vent it out. My listening skills helped.

Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Bordering on Part 1, Principle 3. The moment we arouse in someone a feeling that s/ he ‘wants’ something, doesn’t it automatically make them feel the idea was hers/ his to begin with? This is my weak spot. I’m not good at ‘selling’.

Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Close to Part 3, Principle 2. I’ve been one of those who’d a high opinion of myself. I considered myself right & anybody who differed wrong. Not anymore thankfully! I put myself in the other person’s shoes now & try to fathom why s/ he behaves in the way s/ he does.

Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

In sync with Part 3, Principle 2. I do this a lot more now, having become less judgmental about people’s life choices. When I feel like telling people off, I pause & ask myself – would I have made the same choice if I was in her/ his shoes?

We’re all different. Expecting someone to be our clone is just plain stupid. & I’m not stupid anymore.

Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.

Do people change if an appeal is made to their nobler motives? E.g. if we tell someone he’s a man of his word (when he’s threatening to go back on his words), is it likely he’ll change his intent?

I don’t think I’ve come across a situation to put this in practice. But it’ll be interesting to see if this happens.

Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas.

I’ve admitted I’m bad at ‘selling’. I come from a school of thought where I feel if someone wants it, s/ he will get it anyway. This goes contrary to the principle of ‘making’ the other person want it.

Till the time I don’t get into a selling mode, this will remain my improvement area.

Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge.

This philosophy is about ‘getting things done by stimulating competition’ (in the words of Charles Schwab). I’ve seen it as a common practice by parents to make their children eat or study or behave. I’ve myself not used it ever but I think it’ll work.

Part 4 – Be A Leader: How To Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing Resentment

Principle 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

This reminds me of the Green Feedback construct in my last organization! As the Performance COE, we coached managers to find something appreciable in their team members. Even the worst of performers would have something praiseworthy.

Osama bin Laden was supposed to be a good father. Hitler was supposed to be a dog lover. Thus, there’s a tiny appreciable element in each of us. Being able to appreciate the tiniest things may or may not have made me more ‘socially acceptable’, it’s surely brought me more peace of mind.

Principle 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

In the vein of Part 3, Principle 2 but in a more managerial context. However, in my personal capacity, it’s like they say – ‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’ I’ve usually been mindful of not hurting people. It’s made people take me for granted.

But, I guess, nice girls finish last!

Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

I recently got an opportunity to counsel a young lady who was going through a tough time professionally. As I sat across from her & heard her problems, it reminded me of my own initial work years.

While I didn’t have to criticize her, when I talked about my own ‘mistakes’, it gave her comfort that everyone makes mistakes, & that it’s okay to err.

Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

In my short managerial stint, I believe I was a mix of the two. An action is likelier when a person is told ‘you might consider this’ instead of ‘do this’.

It’s in line with Part 3, Principle 7. Nudging a person in the direction you want with questions may ultimately make her/ him feel that the idea was her/ his to begin with.

Principle 5 – Let the other person save face.

‘Saving face’ is such an Indian concept! I don’t think I’ve faced too many situations where I’ve had to let the other person save face. I anyway don’t have a habit of saying ‘you’re wrong’. The other person realizes on her/ his own. (& then I smile secretly!!)

Principle 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’

Not unlike Part 4, Principle 1 & Part 1, Principle 2. While I usually praise, I’m unsure if I’ve appreciated improvements. It reminds me of my father. Over the years, he’s started doing more & more housework. So, papa, this one’s for you.

You help mummy around the house a lot more than earlier. I’m proud of you!

Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Reminiscent of Part 3, Principle 10 but with the difference that here you make the other person think s/ he already has the trait that you want her/ him to improve on. I’ve seen this in practice by parents when they tell their naughty children – ‘you’re a good girl/ boy. I know you’ll clean up your toys immediately.

Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

I remember, in the first term at XLRI, a ‘friend’ told me I couldn’t lose weight. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I was disheartened. When he later clarified that he meant it as a challenge for me, I realized negative motivation didn’t work for me.

Since then, I’ve been conscious of not discouraging anyone, even if my intent is positive.

Principle 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Similar to Part 3, Principle 7 & Part 1, Principle 3. My weak spot – I’ve managed to make the other person do the thing I suggest but I don’t think s/ he has been happy about it. The doing is more grudgingly or because of logic or due to a sense of obligation.

In a nutshell, I’ve been a mixed bag. I follow a few principles already & aim to put others into practice. I liked something that Mr. Carnegie wrote in his book –

“If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?”

That, I believe, forms the core of every self-help book.

And, to end, a bit I LOVED in the book –

“Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.”