The first book I picked up in 2020 was Happiness Unlimited. It is a series of conversations between Sister BK Shivani & Suresh Oberoi.
I had heard Sister BK Shivani speak on TV a couple of times. Unlike other god-men/ god-women, she made sense to me. So, when I got this book for a discount during the Amazon Great Indian Festival, I bought it.
As I read the book, I found myself nodding over a few of the ‘mantras’ mentioned. I had been a naïve, protected child. But life ensured I grew up. My idealism got a reality check soon after reaching adulthood. Reading this book made me write down the hard truths I learnt about happiness, relating them to what Sister BK Shivani mentions.
Hard Truth One – ‘The reason why there is so little happiness in the world is dependency.’
For a long time, I believed my bliss was dependent on ‘something’ or ‘someone’ or was to be found ‘somewhere’. This made me extremely reliant on external factors. If these factors did not align properly, it meant I would be cheerless. But how realistic was it to be at the mercy of external factors? Could I control what others did/ say/ thought? I spent a good amount of my energy trying to ensure that people liked me or thought well of me. But, like it is said, I am not biryani; I cannot make everyone cheerful. So, when someone spoke ill of me, I would be depressed.
I was like this till my MBA days. In a b-school, people aren’t exactly there to make friends or like each other. In the first semester, I was distressed when I realized that not everyone liked me. (Yes, now I know how absurd it sounds.) It took an evening of counseling from my two brothers to put some sense into my head.
Over the ensuing years, I changed quite a bit. I began to understand that till the time I looked for the key to my contentment in someone else’s pocket, I would remain gloomy. It has taken a fair deal of introspection and practice to come out of this ‘dependent’ juncture.
Today, I am at a leg where my husband says, “Only you can make yourself delighted.” And knowing this about myself makes me ecstatic.
Hard Truth Two – ‘Happiness is not dependent on physical objects.’
It is kind of a subset of the first hard truth, but it deserves a mention. I remember, as a teenager, I would wonder why I did not have a material object that my classmates would have. I would think that having this would exhilarate me.
When I began earning, the first few years I went crazy shopping. I would be out almost every weekend to a mall and would hoard up stuff. But, surprisingly, these possessions would only bring a temporary pleasure, not the lasting gladness I had imagined.
In fact, in retrospect, those years were perhaps the most heartrending of my life. If buying a brand brought glee, then why was I heartbroken? I had physical comfort but not emotional comfort.
A couple of years back, this realization of objects bringing only temporary pleasure coupled with grief over my own consumerism plus my rising concern for the environment made me adopt minimalism. Today, I do not buy brands (or shop in general). I am job-free & a minimalist. Yet, I am in a happier frame of mind.
Hard Truth Three – ‘No one is responsible for our hurt, pain, fear, or anger. It is our own creation in response to their behavior, and we have another choice – the choice to be happy.’
If my joy is independent of external factors, how can my misery be dependent on them? So, this again seems to be a corollary of the first hard truth.
I spent a large part of my life blaming others for my problems. If I could not deliver a task at work, I would blame the business/ other HR team. If I did not win at a game, I would make an excuse. When I was heartbroken, I spent years being angry with the person I thought was responsible.
And I now think how futile it was! What a colossal waste of my energy!! From the time I accepted that, maybe, it was not the other person, but my response to the person’s actions that were making me poignant, I forgave.
The moment I stopped giving excuses for my lousiness at a game & sheepishly accepted my ineptitude, I became a good sport. The moment I started accepting my mistakes at work, I realized my bosses became more supportive.
I wish bringing about these changes was as easy as writing them down. But, to be honest, it has taken me years to reach where I have. And I still have immense scope for improvement. But what I do know is that embracing these changes have made me a more pleasant person.
